Harry Wolfe
by makeshiftcraftsman
Summary: A Harry Potter x Nero Wolfe Crossover.


"Sit down Mr. Dursley. I do not accuse you of murder. Your alibi is strong; all the more so because it is truthful. Instead I accuse your wife." I watched as Mrs. Dursley fainted, her husband yelled, and Sergent Purley Stebbins broke out the cuffs. "Mr. Cramer. You will find a man at Mrs. Wutherby's home masquerading as the gardener. He was her acomplice. Search his quarters for all the evidence you need."  
"All right, get 'em out of here." Inspector Cramer growled around his cigar as the officers began rounding up the crowd and hustling them out the door. "Don't forget the kid." He'd brought a female officer along who spoke quietly to the sobbing Dudley and led him away. I made sure they were out the door and locked it behind them. It was another job well done and a fair chunk of change in the checking account.  
I returned to the office and was about so say something to Mr. Wolfe when a noise startled us. Wolfe put down his book and barked "What was that?"  
"Search me. Better yet, I'll search the room." It took all of five seconds to discover the small, dirty child curled up under the couch. Why exactly I hauled him out and plunked him in the red chair instead of chasing after the cops I'm not quite sure. If I had then . . . well read the story and you'll find out what did happen. No sense playing 'what if'.  
"It seems you have a new client Mr. Wolfe. Mr. . . ah . . . what was your name?" The kid looked up at me with those bright green eyes and whispered. "I'm Harry."  
"What's your last name, Harry?"  
"Harry Potter. Sir."  
"Well Mr. Wolfe. Mr. Potter seems to be in a fix. He's lost his aunt and uncle and he'd like to hire you to find him some new ones." I looked at the small kid in the chair and felt bad. Wolfe needed riling up on occasion and his behavior on this case had been bad enough, in my opinion, that he deserved more than a bit but now I'd drug a kid into it. I tried to figure out how to talk my way out of it but Mr. Wolfe interupted.  
"How did you hide under that couch, Mr. Potter?"  
The kid looked at him like he was crazy. "I hid. I mean, I crawled under it."  
Mr. Wolfe looked at him carefully. "Do you hide often?"  
"So . . . sometimes."  
"Archie." I reached for my phone to call the police. "Take him to the kitchen and get him some food."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Food Archie. The boy is hungry. And tell Fritz to prepare for three dinners tonight."  
I set the handset gently in the cradle. I'd started this as an ill thought-out prank and now it had backfired on me. I couldn't say anything without being rude in front of the kid so I took him down to meet Fritz.

I spent the afternoon playing hide and seek with the kid until he was exhausted. Supper that night rather tense. Mr. Wolfe went on at length about how fairy tales had morphed from tales of correction to inane foolery. I kept waiting for him to send the kid to the police. After supper I put the boy in the 3rd floor bedroom and strolled into the office. I didn't bother to sit down. Instead I strolled up to his desk and leaned over at him. "I apologize. I was trying to goad you and now you've won. It's time to send the kid home. I'll call the cops now and they'll send out that lady to pick him up and he can stay with his cousin."  
"No."  
"You can't just say no. I've put up with a lot of your hijinks over the years but kidnapping a child, no matter what the cause, is going to get us in hot water. And you don't have a cause this time. I started this and I'm sorry. I don't say that often but there it is. End of story."  
"The police will not notice."  
"They'll certainly notice a missing kid especially when he's involved in a murder case."  
"Yes, I suppose they might notice eventually. You are correct, Archie. I'll call in the morning."  
I went sat down not at all satisfied. It was rare when I apologized to Wolfe but this time had been worth. Now the victory didn't feel quite right. In the morning I found out what was wrong. He picked up the phone (he didn't even ask me to do it) and got Nathaniel Parker on the line. Parker was a good lawyer but I would have paid a week's salary to see his face when Wolfe said "Good morning, Mr. Parker. I would like your assistance in adopting a child. Yes, a specific one. Mr. Harry Potter." I'm sure my face was a sight.

The kid turned out to be alright. He sat in the red leather chair as Wolfe read aloud before bed and I took him to Yankees games and taught him to keep a scorecard. Wolfe called in a favor with an old client and got the Harry admitted to the best school in town where he did well and played on the school baseball team. He was pretty decent second base man but it was Fritz that Harry really looked up to. It may have been the perrenial serenity of the man or perhaps Harry just appreciated good food after growing up without enough. Wolfe had adopted his daughter because he could see her ribs as she wandered through a bombed out Montenegrian village. Perhaps that was why we got Harry. Either way when the school day ended Harry would come home and head to the kitchen to get a snack and tell Fritz about his day.  
The kid was always good at hiding though. He had a way of just slipping around corner when you weren't looking. When Wolfe got involved in the Cartwright jewel robbery I even used him to help tail a suspect. It's never too early for a little on the job training. When the robbery turned into a murder case we stopped using him though. Even the best 10 year old doesn't need to tail murderers.

One day I was sorting the mail. Harry was at school and Mr. Wolfe was upstairs with his orchids so when the doorbell rang I answered it. Outside stood the oldest and most outlandish man I'd ever seen. Long beard, purple dress, high-healed shoes. I've met some beatnicks in my time but this guy topped them all. "No thanks. We're not buying." I moved to close the door but he stopped it with his foot.  
"Mr. Goodwin I presume? I'd like to see Mr. Wolfe."  
"He's busy at the moment. Send a letter." I tried to close the door again but he kept his foot in the way. I was cursing myself for not using the see-through glass when he said. "It's about Mr. Potter. I was friend of his parents and would like to discuss some business with Mr. Wolfe."  
I looked him up and down again. Lots of cranks called on Mr. Wolfe but this was the first attempt to get to him through the kid. "If there's any problem then you'll need to contact Mr. Parker, his solicitor."  
"There's not a problem. His mother and father attended a very prestigious boarding school and I'm here to offer him a position. I'm aware that you've made enquiries about James and Lily Potter and found little information. I believe I can be of some assistance."  
I looked at the man carefully. Harry's parents had been a mystery. The Dursley's told the story of his parents dieing in a car crash but guy we hired in Britain to look into it kept forgetting to call us back. Eventually Wolfe called it a bad job and stopped. Now this crazy old man claimed to have something. He even knew their names which hadn't been easy for us to corroborate. "Come in. Mr. Wolfe will be down in a few minutes."  
I let him. Introductions were made, pleasentries said, then I guided him to the red leather chair in the office and stepped out. I looked through the secret peep hole but he was sitting quietly. After a moment he took a piece of candy out of his pocket and sucked on it. When I was convinced that he wasn't going to rifle the office or run off with anything expensive I used the kitchen phone to call Wolfe and warn him. "There's a man here who says he knows something about Harry's parents. He looks more like an escapee from the loonie bin but he does know their names." Wolfe just grunted and hung up.  
I went back to my desk and a few minutes later Mr. Wolfe walked in and sat down. "What can I do for you sir?"  
Dumbledore smiled and said "I'm here to offer Mr. Potter a position as a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."  
"Preposterous. Archie remove him."  
I stood to hustle him out the door but he held up his hand. "If you will allow me a moment." He pulled a stick from somewhere, pointed it at my typewriter and the thing levitated to Wolfe's desk. I won't bore you with all the details of the next few minutes. Wolfe yelled, I slipped my pistol in my pocket in case the magician conjured a lion, and Dumbledore performed tricks for us. All through this I kept looked for whatever trick he was performing but I couldn't think of any way wires and mirrors could turn the pen in my hand into a feather duster. Things were starting to settle down when Dumbledore told us about Voldemort and I'll admit that I got nervous at the thought of a bad buy who can block your bullets. Wolfe and Dumbledore stared at each other.  
"So this, Hogwarts, is where Harry will learn to conjure birds?"  
"Amongst many other things. Magic is almost always passed down from parent to child. His parents were my students as well. Most importantly he will learn not to do magic inadverdently. I'm sure there have been a few incidents where, under stress or filled with exuberence, unusual things have happened. It's common with magic children and we teach them to control it. As they grow older their magic will grow and the danger with it. Most nations, including the United States and the United Kingdom, have laws required students to attend for at least three years."  
"You have laws regarding magic? Who passes them?"  
"Yes, we have laws, a ministry, a parliment, and the United States has its equivalent. We also have schools." Dumbledore guided the conversation back to the topic at hand "and I would like for Harry to attend mine."

The next day we recieved a visit from John Colbert who claimed to be the Secretary of Magic for the U.S. offering Harry a place at the local school. After that a woman whose size put even Wolfe to shame visited at the same time as a tall thin man offering places in France and Eastern Europe respectively. One night a vampire from Mexico whose calling card labeled him an an archbishop visited offering Harry a place in the Sabbat. As soon as the blood-sucker was seen out I hung garlic around front door. Better safe than sorry. Other odd characters trickled through the house over the summer but Wolfe sent them all away without an answer. What bothered me more than anything was how Wolfe got himself into this. Of all the children he could have adopted he somehow ended up with one who was magical and famous. Over the years he'd gotten himself into fixes but this topped them all. One day in August the doorbell rang just as Wolfe came down from the plant room. I checked the one-way glass and saw Dumbledore. I saw no reason that Wolfe shouldn't be pressed on the matter so I opened wide and let the old man in. When we were all settled Dumbledore reached into his robes and pulled out a package. My hand inched close to the open drawer where my gun lay but there was no need. Wolfe opened it to find a book. "I thought that this book might help explain the differences between the wizarding world and that of the muggles."  
"Thank you sir. It will help but I'm afraid that it will answer only a few. We were visited the other day by a vampire. A monster from legend walked through my door and wanted to speak with my son."  
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled and he agreed to loan Wolfe as many books as he wanted. They shook hands and like that Harry was headed to England. When Dumbledore had left I turned to Wolfe. "So that's it? You're sending Harry to the school that will bribe you with books? What if that french place offered to let you visit? Would he have gone there? I've seen some low things but selling your son to the highest bidder is pretty bad."  
"I have 'sold' my son, if you will, to the man who has treated me most like an equal. These people are segregated because they fear us but paradoxically they believe themselves better than us. Dumbledore is the only one who has made an offer to treat us like equals and let us know about their world. If he is kind to us then he is more likely to be kind to my son. I have no other criteria on which to base my choice. When we first recieved news of his abilities I knew that any attempts at research would be futile."  
"And you just happened to adopt a child that's magical? Out of all the orphans you've met in your work you adopt one that just happens to be a wizard and famous?"  
Wolfe put his book down and sat quietly for a moment. I just stared at him curious just how much he'd known. He was a genius but genius would only carry a man so far. "I knew there was something special about him when he climbed out from under the couch. It was unlikely that four trained professionals such as myself, you, Stebbins, and Cramer would all forget about a child even amongst the bustle of arresting his aunt. The female detective was specifically instructed that there were two boys yet she cared for only one. Even your excellent memory was susceptable enough to forget his name. That afternoon I watched him closely while you and he played hide and seek and I found myself forgetting about him far too easily. My curiosity was aroused and I resolved to probe the mystery. If he had gone back to England I would never have learned anything so I adopted him. Also if he had gone back to England then Dursley would have been none to kind. I can well imagine what events would cause a child to sharpen his skills to such a point. Neither my curiousity nor my consience could let him return. Now he is my son and I will not have him harmed. I am honor bound."  
I stared at him surprised that he would admit this. He'd pulled stunts, sure, but adopted boy out of curiousity. I opened my mouth to tell him off then shut it again unsure what to say. Finally I settled on "You better hope Harry never hears you say that." The instant the words were out of my mouth we both turned to the waterfall painting where someone outside the office could spy on the inside. I sprinted around the corner and through open the curtains to find the hiding place empty. Harry hadn't heard that thank God. I closed the curtains, got my coat and hat, then headed out for a walk in the fresh air.


End file.
